Over before it began...

I'm not sure where to even begin with this post.  Mainly because this is a post I never expected I would have to write.  Let me fill you in....

Yesterday I went back to the clinic for my uterine lining check.  If you remember back a few posts, I needed the lining to be at least 7mm; in order for the transfer to still go as planned next Monday.  I had been given a different treatment plan this time so that the lining would grow & thicken quicker than it did last time.
As soon as the ultrasound started, I knew it wasn't going to be what I wanted to hear.  But, I had no idea what was coming...
My husband and I sat down in the consultation room and the first thing the doctor said is "Well, you had NO lining.  I can't explain that.  I honestly have no explanation.  I have exhausted all of my options and I am not sure there is anything more that I can do for you."
If I had just one word used to describe how I felt in that moment it would have to be heartbroken.  It just didn't make sense to me.  It was working last time, why wouldn't it work this time?  How could I be on such a large dose of estrogen and my body not respond...at all?  I felt symptoms of the estrogen... so why didn't my lining grow...at all?  Could this really be the end?  Could this be over before it even began?
The doctor told me it is possible to try another cycle but obviously that would be up to the intended father.  It would ultimately be his decision what he would like to do.

As we walked out of the doctors office, I got a glimpse into a different life.   We walked thru the hallway and I said to my husband.  "So this is what it feels like."  And he said "What, what feels like?"  And I said "This is what infertile couples feel like.  Totally defeated.  Completely helpless."
When I first considered surrogacy it was because I wanted to give back.  I feel so blessed in my life and I wanted to help another person or couple have a dream come true of their own child.  I wanted it so bad.  And, now?  I want it even more.  Having felt that feeling of complete and utter disappointment with your own body, I can't imagine how infertile women feel.  It's such a draining feeling.  A feeling that NO one should have to feel.  I wasn't even talking about my own child and I felt the loss.  When couples are in that consultation room and they hear, from the doctor, that all their options are exhausted and they have no where else to go.  I just can't fathom it.  It's unfair.
I cried a lot.  My husband was such an amazing support and I was so happy he was there for me.  The drive home was mostly silent.  My thoughts consumed me.  My hubby was so sweet to reach over and rub my back or to hold my hand when I would get emotional.
The intended father had called me on the way home.  He wanted to tell me that I wasn't alone and that he was thinking of me.  He asked that I call him when we are done driving.  The whole way home I played out how our conversation would go.  I thought that there had to be more options that the dr discussed with him.  Maybe he would want to try another cycle to see if we had just hit a bad month?  Any possibilities just ran thru my head.
We got home and it hit me.  This call wasn't going to be to discuss more options.  This call was a goodbye call.
When we go on the phone, we spoke for a few minutes and talked about how the appointment went and how we both perceived it.  Then, he said that we have done all we could do and its time for him to move forward.  It was hard for me to talk much.  I was feeling overwhelmed and extremely sad.  I knew if I said too much I would break down and not be able to talk.  He thanked me and my family for all their support & told me we would talk in a few days.  I let him off the phone and then I cried.  A lot.  I looked at Steven and said "It's done."  Steven came over and hugged me and just let me breakdown on his shoulder.  I had been holding that back all day and I just needed to cry it all out.  I felt completely defeated.
Being a gestational carrier has been a dream of mine for several years.  I can honestly say that I thought about surrogacy long before I even thought of what my own children would be like.  I never thought it would end like this.  I had prepared myself for failed transfers, possibly miscarriage, or even another multiple birth but I never ever imagined it would end before it even began.
We met the intended dad in August and everything felt so right.  We really have bonded with him & have loved getting to know him.  Knowing that we were helping him become a parent was just incredible.  So now that I know I can't help him any more,  I am so sad for him.  He has to start this process all over again.  I just can't imagine what he is going thru and all the emotions he is dealing with.  He has had setback after setback with this process and I thought that January would finally be his big break.  I was so excited for what was to come & now its all over.  Just like that, it's done.



I've appreciated all the support I have gotten from those of you who have been following the blog.  I have loved journaling on here and I am going to miss it.  When I made the big announcement in February of 2012 that I was going to do surrogacy, I expected negativity from people.  I am happy to say that in the 11 months I have been in this process, I never had one negative comment.  That is amazing.  Although I was never a surrogate and wasn't able to give that ultimate gift I so wanted to give... I hope I was able to inspire a few of you along the way.  Life is all about paying it forward.  Just remember that everyone leads a different life and we all walk in our own shoes.  Live with compassion and you will get that in return.  I have learned a lot in this process & I am happy I had this experience.  One day I will understand why it didn't work out... until then, I will take it one day at a time and move forward.

Thanks for reading.  XOXO
-Kenzi