To always find the silver lining...

On Thursday of last week I had my 28 week checkup... yay!  At this appointment we discussed the scheduled c-section, talked about the date of delivery, and was able to send a audio clip of sweet Baby Kaufman's perfect heartbeat to Chris and Kellie.  I also had the routine glucose test that morning.  I drank the drink and had my blood drawn and hour later and I was on my way.  They informed me that "no news is good news."  Sweet, I am all for that!
  I met a friend for lunch and was having a wonderful morning celebrating how wonderfully I was feeling and how thankful I was for such a minimal amount of weight gain thus far in my pregnancy.  As my friend and I were leaving the restaurant I happened to glance at my phone and said "Oh no.  I missed a call from my OB office.  I must have failed the test.  They were only calling if it was bad news."
But, I remembered back to my pregnancy with my twins and they had me take the glucose test a few weeks early since with multiples the chances go up of having issues with your blood sugars.  And, I did fail that 1 hour test.  However, I went back for the 3 hour test and I passed it.  So, I thought for sure I must just be someone who can't pass the 1 hour test but the longer one, I am golden. No worries.  I got this.  This pregnancy is 'boring' so its going to stay that way!
I scheduled my followup test to be done on Monday (today).  Here I am below just about to indulge in more orange sugar drink!

I got to the office, got my blood drawn right away so they had my fasting blood sugars documented and then downed my drink in the allotted 5 minutes.  Then, I waited.  1 more hour until the next blood draw.  And then another hour after that.  As the 2nd hour came to a close they called my name into the lab.  I walked in and the nurse handed me this packet of information...

I took one look at it and with teary eyes said... "so, you are confirming it then?  I really have it?"  

And the nurse looked at my paper work and said "Yes, your levels were elevated on both of the first two tests.  You have gestational diabetes.  They will be calling you to schedule two classes to go to at the hospital so you can learn and be educated on how to care for yourself."  

And then... her voice became Charlie Brown's teacher.  It was all muffled and I completely tuned her out.  

Gestational Diabetes.  What?  Gestational Diabetes.  Me?  Why?  Everything has been so smooth.  I've been feeling so good.  My weight gain is essentially nothing.  I rarely have much of an appetite.  I passed this test with my twins.  How will Kellie feel?  Will this let her down?  Am I a failure?  

I was kind of in a state of shock and every time I looked at that booklet, my eyes filled with tears.  It was just something I never even considered.  Something I never planned for.  Something I am sure the Kaufman's never planned for.  And that is what was devastating me the most.  

I got home and cried.  Talked to a few friends and cried some more.  Then, I browsed Facebook.  

And that's when I found the silver lining.  

I posted the photo of me on Facebook before I began my test.  

I captioned it "Round 2 :(. Praying I pass this one.  ‪#‎glucosetest‬ ‪#‎Tminus2hours‬"

I had several comments and many likes on that photo.  So many kind people wishing me well or telling me their experiences.  But ONE comment in particular stood out to me.  

It was a simple comment.  A comment from a friend who said "Praying Girl!!!!"  

It almost took my breath away.  This comment was from my friend who has had extremely difficult pregnancies.  She has 2 kiddos who were born micro preemies and she also has an angel baby in Heaven who didn't survive birth.  All 3 of these babies never even made it to the 3rd trimester.  

And thats when it hit me.  Gestational diabetes is routinely found at 28 weeks gestation.  I am 28 weeks gestation.  Last week I was celebrating this amazing milestone.  Who am I today to be upset at this small bump in the road?  

This mama who commented on my photo would have been thrilled to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes because it meant she made it to 28 weeks.  What a celebration.  In the scheme of a normal pregnancy, sure, it feels devastating.  But, if my twins' birth story taught me anything, its that we are all so blessed and that if we were to all throw our problems in a pile, we almost always would take ours back.  This diagnosis was so small on the spectrum of what could go wrong in a pregnancy.  I am blessed to be 28+ weeks.  I will do everything in my power to take extra good care of this sweet baby I am growing so he comes out perfectly healthy and we will all look back on this day as merely just a life lesson.  

27 + 5 ...

First I'll start with an updated baby bump photo.  This was taken a few days ago when I had just hit 27 weeks.  I am still feeling great and have still avoided the uncomfortable stage.  This was a pretty lazy day that I snapped this photo... so don't mind my comfy outfit or my messy bun ;)

But, now I'm going to move on to the real reason of this post.  27+5.  Many of you reading are thinking .... 'okay?!?!?!  is that a math problem you want us to figure out?'  Those of you close to me, know exactly what it means.  27 weeks 5 days.   

Let's rewind 6 years ago.  

I was a few months pregnant with my identical twin boys when routine checkups started to become more and more interesting.  If there is anything I have learned about pregnancy... it is that you want a boring one.  The less news, the better.  Well, with my twins, we were about as far from boring as possible.  Every appointment had 'news' and each one became more and more scary.  At 20 weeks my fear was confirmed when our doctor informed Steven and I that our twins were suffering from TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome).  This was something I had read about in my multiples pregnancy books but also one of those things you just think 'will never happen to you.'  It's a rare condition and in most cases the mortality rate is 80-100%.  Yes, you read that right.  The mortality rate.  The babies shared a placenta and with TTTS they also shared common blood vessels within the placenta.  This is what causes issues and 1 twin to receive too much from the placenta, and is called the "recipient twin" and the other to not receive enough and to pass on their portion back to the other twin and they are called the "donor twin."  This makes both babies very ill and if the TTTS gets to stage 4, both twins will not make it.  After receiving this news, my husband and I started seeing a specialist called a perinatologist who specializes in high risk pregnancies, especially TTTS.  He was located in Minneapolis and he was such a wonderful doctor to work with.  After 1 initial trip to Abbott Northwestern, where he practiced, we were able to keep in contact with him from Iowa via our OB doctor.  She would call him after every ultrasound with an update and he would advise her on the next steps.  

You see, I was currently in stage 1 of the TTTS so I couldn't have a procedure done (called ablation), that would cauterize the shared blood vessels.  (It's still a very risky surgery but the % of both babies surviving is at least higher than TTTS')  To have the ablation I would have had to be at stage 3 and could not be past 26 weeks along.  This was such a weird feeling.  To almost wish that my condition was 'worse' so that I could possibly have a chance to have the ablation and save my babies.  So, at this point we were told to just wait.  Doctors visits and ultrasounds would be weekly so we could check in on the babies to see how they were.  Things we were looking for was extremely low amniotic fluid in the donor twin and high fluid in the recipient.  We also started watching the blood flow in the umbilical cord because once it starts to reverse, the condition is worsening.  Most obviously was the babies' size.  The donor twin was much smaller and lagging in growth compared to the recipient.

 Each week things started to slowly decline.  It was at this point we decided to name the twins.  I had no idea what was going to happen with them and if this was my time to be their mom, I wanted them to have names.  So, we named baby A (donor twin) Jude Stevenson and baby B (recipient twin) Grady James.  At week 24 I was put on bed rest at home, just with any hope that the babies could possibly benefit from it.  Week 25 I was put on hospital bed rest so I had care round the clock and could be watched as closely as possible.  I had ultrasounds 3xs a week and I really preferred hospital bed rest over home!  I had nurses to talk to, I had a bed that moved with a push of a button, visitors galore and anything I wanted to eat!  The only upside to this journey so far.  

I was 26 weeks now so I was past the stage of being able to have the ablation.  And, I remember at one point my doctor kept saying... we have a new goal.  To make it to 28 weeks.  You need to get to 28 weeks with these babies.  If we can do that, there is a better chance at survival.  We originally hoped to get to at least 32 weeks but that was not looking possible at this point.

At 27 weeks everything started to go downhill.  My health wasn't so good anymore, I honestly think it was my bodys way of telling me that these babies need out... and NOW.  I had the worst headache of my life and no pain med or remedy would help.  Trust me, the poor nurses and doctors tried everything.  I developed PUPPS (a pregnancy rash all over your body) and I was just beginning to feel like the end was near.  

On November 9, 2009, I remember waking up and it was a beautiful sunny day outside.  It was my dads birthday and I had a friend come visit me who brought me goodies and even styled my hair and did my makeup for me.  My ultrasound was scheduled for 3pm that day.  

Finally 3pm arrived and I remember being wheeled in my wheelchair over to the OB office.  As soon as the ultrasound tech pulled it up, I could see on her face it wasn't good news.  Since I was having ultrasounds daily at this point, I was beginning to get really good at looking at the screen and see what was going on.  I could see that the reversal of blood flow was very bad at this point.  I could see the amniotic fluid was almost dry with Jude and that Grady had an extreme amount.  

They finished the ultrasound in silence and pushed me into the doctors office.  The door opened in seconds and my doctor said, "Its here.  Today is the day.  You're 27 weeks 5 days and I know we wanted 28 but I don't think you can make it another day."  

Queue the tears.  I was devastated.  I know it was only 2 days shy of our new goal but those 2 days meant a lot.  I knew that both boys were in danger being born so early and so sick and I wanted two more days for them.  But, I trusted my doctor knew.  She told me that both boys were now showing signs of heart failure and Grady now had fluid in his abdomen.  We had no time to wait.  

I was rushed back over to the hospital by my mom and Steven and we all just cried the whole way.  Well, I don't think Steven did but I could tell by the look on his face just how he was feeling.  So helpless.  Extremely helpless.  They prepped me for an emergency c-section and we all said a prayer and went back to the OR.  

I remember laying on the operating table with a room full of nurses and doctors.  Within minutes the babies were being pulled out.  Jude came first, then Grady seconds later.  Since the sheet was in front of my face, I couldn't see what was happening.  I heard cries though.  I heard cries.  I immediately started crying too and was so happy to hear those cries.  But, it was in that moment that I realized I only heard 1 baby crying.  Suddenly, the room was quiet.  No one was speaking.  I could hear Steven across the room, at my feet, saying "C'mon Jude!"  I looked to my left and saw 2 nurses whispering to each other.  I said "Please tell me... is everything okay?"  They gave a look to my mom and told her to come over to me.  She said, "Kenz, they are just trying to get Jude's heart rate up. But the babies are beautiful.  So tiny.  But so beautiful."  

Oh gosh, more tears.  They got both babies stable enough to go up to the NICU and they were rushed off without even a glance from their mama.  

Forty-five minutes later I was able to go upstairs on my hospital bed for a glimpse of both boys and to meet them.  They were both on ventilators and hooked up to more tubes and wires that I could even count.  But, they both made it thru, and that was what I was holding onto at that moment.  

It wasn't until later that I found out that as soon as Jude's umbilical cord was cut, he was lifeless.  Grady was truly his lifeline and as soon as that was gone, Jude was too.  They had trouble getting him intubated because his airway was closing.  Luckily after several attempts, the Dr who was tending to Grady stepped in and literally saved our Jude's life.  

Both boys were very sick upon arrival.  And it was a pretty rocky road being in the NICU.  Grady was discharged when he was 2 months old, so he spent 61 days in the hospital.  Jude had an even rougher time and spent 113 days in the hospital, just shy of his 4 month birthday.  We spent our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day all together as a family in the NICU.  

27+5.  Now you know.  Those days are very bittersweet for me.  Whenever I have a friend say she is 27 weeks pregnant, I have a small pit in my stomach and just look at that perfect belly she has and think to myself 'my boys came into the world and look at that belly... no way they were ready yet. They deserved another 12 weeks+ 2 days."  

So, here I am.  27+5 today.  Wow.  It's amazing to me.  The thought of being a surrogate always interested me but after I had my boys, even more so.  I feel like I deserved to have a boring pregnancy.  I wanted to experience pregnancy in all its beautiful form and not just the experience I had with being so stressed out and scared every day not knowing what was going to happen.  You might say I wanted to prove to myself I could do this.  I knew I was capable and I wanted to try one more time.  Steven and I knew we were happy with our 2 miracles.  Two kids was what we wanted and we just so happened to get them both in one shot.  So, it became a dream of mine to carry a child for someone else.  It was as if two dreams could collide into one.  

And so I feel that today is a victory.  I made it here and I feel wonderful.  This pregnancy has been 'news-free' and thats a great feeling.  

Baby Kaufman moves around SO much.  I feel like he is constantly having a dance party going on in my tummy.  But, another realization to me is that its just a reminder to me how sick my twins were.  I rarely remember them moving.  Maybe once a day.. and small movements.. like flutters.  No kicks, no jabs, no flips.  They were just barely holding on for life in their and I feel blessed more and more everyday that they are here and so incredibly healthy.  And I am just so thankful for how perfect this pregnancy is going.  I strongly believe I can give Baby Kaufman all the time he needs inside! 

I wanted to share some moments with you from my kids birth.  Hopefully these aren't too graphic for you, I think they are beautiful.  Here they are as they are pulled out.  Jude is on the back left.  As you can see he has life in this photo.  His cord is still connected.  

Here is Jude after he reached the NICU.  Look at the scissors to compare how small he was.  2 pounds 1 ounce.  In the NICU he got down to 1 pound 11 ounces. 

Here is Jude again being measured.  I remember thinking their heads were about the size of a baseball.

Here is Grady.  He was pretty stable to begin with.  But later tonight he did have a lung collapse which gave all the doctors a scare.  

And here he is the next day. He was 3 pounds. However it wasn't all healthy weight.  He had so much fluid in him.  He got down to 2 pounds 8 ounces. 

Lastly, one more thing I want to share with you is my passion for March of Dimes.  After the boys were born I became very involved with the organization and we have raised a lot of money for them with our family and friends.  Without their research,  I am not sure I would have 2 kids today.  The boys both benefitted from things that the MOD research provided.  Because of my strong feelings for that and for TTTS, on Mother's Day 2011, I got a tattoo as a reminder.  The middle logo is the logo for MOD.  The feet around it are the logo for "Twin Hope" which is the non-profit for TTTS.  

Thanks for reading.  I know this was long.  But, its an emotional week for me. My boys also started Kindergarten yesterday so its just a week of milestones for me!  

Time is flying by!

Gosh, I feel like I am always starting these off with 'sorry its been so long since my last blogpost', but I seriously feel like weeks are just passing by and they feel more like days!

LOTS has happened since I last updated almost 2 months ago!

In July, I had my 20 week ultrasound.  Everything looked great with the baby and he was just SURE he wanted to remind me that he was still a boy ;)  Here is a cute one of his legs crossed. The ultrasound tech kept saying how long his legs are.  Makes me smile now, but around 36 weeks I might not find it so cute! haha.

Originally Kellie and Chris planned to be there for this ultrasound but as we got to planning it, the logistics of them flying to Iowa right before the 4th of July just seemed too difficult.  So, instead we scheduled a fun ultrasound at a place in Florida called 4D Sprouts!  We were all planning to be there in July for an It Works conference, so it just made sense to plan one while we were there instead of just flying out to Iowa for a day or 2.  Baby Kaufman was less than cooperative for this ultrasound though!  All he wanted to show off were his boy parts... AGAIN!  Boys will be boys ;)  He had his feet up in front of his face and was being really shy.  Regardless of being able to see his face, I know the Kaufman's were thrilled to just see him moving around and see what a perfect, healthy baby he is!   Here are a few cute photos we got after they loaded me up with some chocolate to try to get him to move!

In July, my family and I went to Martha's Vineyard for 2 weeks.  We had a blast while we were there. This has become an annual trip for us and its something that we will continue to do for years to come.  It's absolute paradise there and such a hidden little gem.  It allows us some wonderful family time away from it all.  Here are a few highlight photos from the trip.

and one that shows the bump!  (this was 22 weeks)

Here are a few photos of when we were in Florida.  One of Kellie and I at a top leader dinner and then also one of us with hubbies and friends on a catamaran cruise!  

After Flordia, the traveling still wasn't over quite yet!  15 of us girls were planning a weekend in Chicago to attend a large leadership summit.  We had planned this about a year ago and it snuck up on all of us.  It worked out perfectly that both Kellie and I were planning to go, so it was more time spent together.  PLUS, while in Florida we tried so hard for Kellie to feel Baby Kaufman kick, but after several tries, he was just being too shy for his mama.  Well, while in Chicago, we were all sitting around late one night and he started moving around quite a bit!  I laid on the floor and had Kellie come over and see if she could feel it.  SHE DID!  It was such a special moment for us.   I am sure it just got much more real to her when she could feel her own baby move from the outside!  And the ironic part of it was, the 15 ladies that we were with were a large majority of the same ladies who were the very first to know that Kellie and I were going to be on this journey.  In october of last year we had signed the contracts but just weren't ready to make it public knowledge yet until we knew for sure I was going to be able to be medically cleared to do so.  However, we both really wanted the support of some close friends.  So, Kellie and I made the announcement to a group of women we trusted and SO many of the women who were in Chicago were part of that same group.  Pretty special.  Even Baby Kaufman likes them ;)  

Here is a photo of that special moment...

Now, on to the 'how I am feeling' question!  Seriously... I feel SO good.  Almost too good.  I have a ton of energy (for the most part) and I am not to the uncomfortable stage at all.  I haven't gained much weight yet because my appetite is a little weird.  I am just not hungry or get full very fast.  I am SURE that will change and I am probably jinxing it right now. haha.  I am 26 weeks pregnant today and I felt like by now I would start feeling big and maybe start moving slower.  So far, so good!   

A few days ago we did have a little bit of a 'situation' arise.  I started having really sharp pains in my upper abdomen above my belly button.  It wasn't anything I had experienced before and I was so confused what they meant.  It didn't come and go and it was sometimes worse when I would stand or walk.  After several hours I felt it was just best to go to my doctor to be seen.  I am not normally one to run to the doctor for a pain but since this baby isn't my own, I feel even more responsible to take care of him and be sure he is okay!  The comforting thing thru it all though was he was SO active.  He was almost trying to tell me "hey lady, I am fine!"  :) 

I went to the doctor and after an exam she said I most likely have something called, diastasis recti.  Which is the separation of the muscle in my abdomen.  It can tear in half while pregnant and can cause a pretty uncomfortable pain there since the uterus is rubbing directly on it.  My doctor said it most likely tore when I was pregnant with my twins but I just didn't notice it.  I was on hospital bed rest from 24-27 weeks so I am sure since all I did was lay around, it wouldn't have bothered me much.  The dr said there isn't anything that can be done for it now and after the pregnancy some women have surgery to repair a lump in their stomach it will leave behind.  She said to think of it like a 'pregnancy hernia'.  That first day was kind of rough.  VERY painful especially to get up and down off the couch.  I was kind of worried for the days to come and if this is how I would feel for the next 14 weeks.  

Well the next day I pretty much just laid around and was lazy.  The pain felt SO much better from that day of rest and I was feeling much more optimistic that there would be good days and bad.   Yesterday I relaxed and swam in my pool for 2 hours.  When I got out I realized that I had NO pain at all.  Even getting up and down off the couch or bed didn't cause pain.  YAY!!  I am not sure if the pool is what helped so much but it really seems like it did!  So thankful I have one in my backyard so I can go in there whenever I am feeling like I need a break from the pain.  Something about being weightless must really ease it.  Today I feel wonderful again!  Back to myself and NO pain at all.  I do have a feeling that on Tuesday (when all this began) Baby K was up in that area a lot.  Seems like his head was directly in that spot since it was pretty hard and even the dr noticed it.  So, as I get larger it might not be possible to avoid the pain since he will have to be sitting in that area as he will run out of room.  But, we will just have to see!  The dr did recommend using a pregnancy belt, which I still have from my twin pregnancy so I can use that as needed.  But, for now, I am thrilled to feel good again and happy that I found something to help the pain if I need!  

I still can't believe I am already 26 weeks pregnant with this little guy!  I thought that since we literally knew the day we put this cell into my body, that the pregnancy would feel it dragged on and on.  But, its been the complete opposite.  Since I feel so great and truly feel like myself, the time is passing and I often forget I am even pregnant!   In 2 weeks I will schedule the c-section and so that will be crazy cool to have the 'finish line' date all set!  We are also chatting with our attorney to be sure we are all squared away for the birth and the legality side of it.  I know there is some stuff she recommended we work on now and so it will be good to feel like we are checking some of those items off our list!  

Well, I think thats all for now!  Sorry about the long post!  I'll leave you with a photo of Kellie and I that I love!!  Makes us look a little like sisters, don't you think??  If you agree that I look even a small portion like Kellie, I would be a very happy girl!! haha :)