27 + 5 ...

First I'll start with an updated baby bump photo.  This was taken a few days ago when I had just hit 27 weeks.  I am still feeling great and have still avoided the uncomfortable stage.  This was a pretty lazy day that I snapped this photo... so don't mind my comfy outfit or my messy bun ;)

But, now I'm going to move on to the real reason of this post.  27+5.  Many of you reading are thinking .... 'okay?!?!?!  is that a math problem you want us to figure out?'  Those of you close to me, know exactly what it means.  27 weeks 5 days.   

Let's rewind 6 years ago.  

I was a few months pregnant with my identical twin boys when routine checkups started to become more and more interesting.  If there is anything I have learned about pregnancy... it is that you want a boring one.  The less news, the better.  Well, with my twins, we were about as far from boring as possible.  Every appointment had 'news' and each one became more and more scary.  At 20 weeks my fear was confirmed when our doctor informed Steven and I that our twins were suffering from TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome).  This was something I had read about in my multiples pregnancy books but also one of those things you just think 'will never happen to you.'  It's a rare condition and in most cases the mortality rate is 80-100%.  Yes, you read that right.  The mortality rate.  The babies shared a placenta and with TTTS they also shared common blood vessels within the placenta.  This is what causes issues and 1 twin to receive too much from the placenta, and is called the "recipient twin" and the other to not receive enough and to pass on their portion back to the other twin and they are called the "donor twin."  This makes both babies very ill and if the TTTS gets to stage 4, both twins will not make it.  After receiving this news, my husband and I started seeing a specialist called a perinatologist who specializes in high risk pregnancies, especially TTTS.  He was located in Minneapolis and he was such a wonderful doctor to work with.  After 1 initial trip to Abbott Northwestern, where he practiced, we were able to keep in contact with him from Iowa via our OB doctor.  She would call him after every ultrasound with an update and he would advise her on the next steps.  

You see, I was currently in stage 1 of the TTTS so I couldn't have a procedure done (called ablation), that would cauterize the shared blood vessels.  (It's still a very risky surgery but the % of both babies surviving is at least higher than TTTS')  To have the ablation I would have had to be at stage 3 and could not be past 26 weeks along.  This was such a weird feeling.  To almost wish that my condition was 'worse' so that I could possibly have a chance to have the ablation and save my babies.  So, at this point we were told to just wait.  Doctors visits and ultrasounds would be weekly so we could check in on the babies to see how they were.  Things we were looking for was extremely low amniotic fluid in the donor twin and high fluid in the recipient.  We also started watching the blood flow in the umbilical cord because once it starts to reverse, the condition is worsening.  Most obviously was the babies' size.  The donor twin was much smaller and lagging in growth compared to the recipient.

 Each week things started to slowly decline.  It was at this point we decided to name the twins.  I had no idea what was going to happen with them and if this was my time to be their mom, I wanted them to have names.  So, we named baby A (donor twin) Jude Stevenson and baby B (recipient twin) Grady James.  At week 24 I was put on bed rest at home, just with any hope that the babies could possibly benefit from it.  Week 25 I was put on hospital bed rest so I had care round the clock and could be watched as closely as possible.  I had ultrasounds 3xs a week and I really preferred hospital bed rest over home!  I had nurses to talk to, I had a bed that moved with a push of a button, visitors galore and anything I wanted to eat!  The only upside to this journey so far.  

I was 26 weeks now so I was past the stage of being able to have the ablation.  And, I remember at one point my doctor kept saying... we have a new goal.  To make it to 28 weeks.  You need to get to 28 weeks with these babies.  If we can do that, there is a better chance at survival.  We originally hoped to get to at least 32 weeks but that was not looking possible at this point.

At 27 weeks everything started to go downhill.  My health wasn't so good anymore, I honestly think it was my bodys way of telling me that these babies need out... and NOW.  I had the worst headache of my life and no pain med or remedy would help.  Trust me, the poor nurses and doctors tried everything.  I developed PUPPS (a pregnancy rash all over your body) and I was just beginning to feel like the end was near.  

On November 9, 2009, I remember waking up and it was a beautiful sunny day outside.  It was my dads birthday and I had a friend come visit me who brought me goodies and even styled my hair and did my makeup for me.  My ultrasound was scheduled for 3pm that day.  

Finally 3pm arrived and I remember being wheeled in my wheelchair over to the OB office.  As soon as the ultrasound tech pulled it up, I could see on her face it wasn't good news.  Since I was having ultrasounds daily at this point, I was beginning to get really good at looking at the screen and see what was going on.  I could see that the reversal of blood flow was very bad at this point.  I could see the amniotic fluid was almost dry with Jude and that Grady had an extreme amount.  

They finished the ultrasound in silence and pushed me into the doctors office.  The door opened in seconds and my doctor said, "Its here.  Today is the day.  You're 27 weeks 5 days and I know we wanted 28 but I don't think you can make it another day."  

Queue the tears.  I was devastated.  I know it was only 2 days shy of our new goal but those 2 days meant a lot.  I knew that both boys were in danger being born so early and so sick and I wanted two more days for them.  But, I trusted my doctor knew.  She told me that both boys were now showing signs of heart failure and Grady now had fluid in his abdomen.  We had no time to wait.  

I was rushed back over to the hospital by my mom and Steven and we all just cried the whole way.  Well, I don't think Steven did but I could tell by the look on his face just how he was feeling.  So helpless.  Extremely helpless.  They prepped me for an emergency c-section and we all said a prayer and went back to the OR.  

I remember laying on the operating table with a room full of nurses and doctors.  Within minutes the babies were being pulled out.  Jude came first, then Grady seconds later.  Since the sheet was in front of my face, I couldn't see what was happening.  I heard cries though.  I heard cries.  I immediately started crying too and was so happy to hear those cries.  But, it was in that moment that I realized I only heard 1 baby crying.  Suddenly, the room was quiet.  No one was speaking.  I could hear Steven across the room, at my feet, saying "C'mon Jude!"  I looked to my left and saw 2 nurses whispering to each other.  I said "Please tell me... is everything okay?"  They gave a look to my mom and told her to come over to me.  She said, "Kenz, they are just trying to get Jude's heart rate up. But the babies are beautiful.  So tiny.  But so beautiful."  

Oh gosh, more tears.  They got both babies stable enough to go up to the NICU and they were rushed off without even a glance from their mama.  

Forty-five minutes later I was able to go upstairs on my hospital bed for a glimpse of both boys and to meet them.  They were both on ventilators and hooked up to more tubes and wires that I could even count.  But, they both made it thru, and that was what I was holding onto at that moment.  

It wasn't until later that I found out that as soon as Jude's umbilical cord was cut, he was lifeless.  Grady was truly his lifeline and as soon as that was gone, Jude was too.  They had trouble getting him intubated because his airway was closing.  Luckily after several attempts, the Dr who was tending to Grady stepped in and literally saved our Jude's life.  

Both boys were very sick upon arrival.  And it was a pretty rocky road being in the NICU.  Grady was discharged when he was 2 months old, so he spent 61 days in the hospital.  Jude had an even rougher time and spent 113 days in the hospital, just shy of his 4 month birthday.  We spent our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day all together as a family in the NICU.  

27+5.  Now you know.  Those days are very bittersweet for me.  Whenever I have a friend say she is 27 weeks pregnant, I have a small pit in my stomach and just look at that perfect belly she has and think to myself 'my boys came into the world and look at that belly... no way they were ready yet. They deserved another 12 weeks+ 2 days."  

So, here I am.  27+5 today.  Wow.  It's amazing to me.  The thought of being a surrogate always interested me but after I had my boys, even more so.  I feel like I deserved to have a boring pregnancy.  I wanted to experience pregnancy in all its beautiful form and not just the experience I had with being so stressed out and scared every day not knowing what was going to happen.  You might say I wanted to prove to myself I could do this.  I knew I was capable and I wanted to try one more time.  Steven and I knew we were happy with our 2 miracles.  Two kids was what we wanted and we just so happened to get them both in one shot.  So, it became a dream of mine to carry a child for someone else.  It was as if two dreams could collide into one.  

And so I feel that today is a victory.  I made it here and I feel wonderful.  This pregnancy has been 'news-free' and thats a great feeling.  

Baby Kaufman moves around SO much.  I feel like he is constantly having a dance party going on in my tummy.  But, another realization to me is that its just a reminder to me how sick my twins were.  I rarely remember them moving.  Maybe once a day.. and small movements.. like flutters.  No kicks, no jabs, no flips.  They were just barely holding on for life in their and I feel blessed more and more everyday that they are here and so incredibly healthy.  And I am just so thankful for how perfect this pregnancy is going.  I strongly believe I can give Baby Kaufman all the time he needs inside! 

I wanted to share some moments with you from my kids birth.  Hopefully these aren't too graphic for you, I think they are beautiful.  Here they are as they are pulled out.  Jude is on the back left.  As you can see he has life in this photo.  His cord is still connected.  

Here is Jude after he reached the NICU.  Look at the scissors to compare how small he was.  2 pounds 1 ounce.  In the NICU he got down to 1 pound 11 ounces. 

Here is Jude again being measured.  I remember thinking their heads were about the size of a baseball.

Here is Grady.  He was pretty stable to begin with.  But later tonight he did have a lung collapse which gave all the doctors a scare.  

And here he is the next day. He was 3 pounds. However it wasn't all healthy weight.  He had so much fluid in him.  He got down to 2 pounds 8 ounces. 

Lastly, one more thing I want to share with you is my passion for March of Dimes.  After the boys were born I became very involved with the organization and we have raised a lot of money for them with our family and friends.  Without their research,  I am not sure I would have 2 kids today.  The boys both benefitted from things that the MOD research provided.  Because of my strong feelings for that and for TTTS, on Mother's Day 2011, I got a tattoo as a reminder.  The middle logo is the logo for MOD.  The feet around it are the logo for "Twin Hope" which is the non-profit for TTTS.  

Thanks for reading.  I know this was long.  But, its an emotional week for me. My boys also started Kindergarten yesterday so its just a week of milestones for me!