This morning was no different. After I exchanged Valentine's Day gifts with Steven. I sat and I watched the kids play in the living room, saw the new puppy sleeping in her bed and notice my husband starting some laundry. I can't help but feel lucky. I've worked really hard for all of the things in my life. And, I have always been a person who knows what she wants and I don't let anything get in my way of that. I don't see it as a weakness but more of a strength. My dad explained it perfectly at my wedding, during his speech... he said I am "tenaciously unwilling to yield." As I remember him saying those words, I laughed. But, as I've gotten older, I can understand exactly what he meant. Thinking back to all of the things I've ever desired, I've gotten. When I was 13, I so badly wanted to be on the Varsity Dance Team, I tried out and I was one of 16 girls who made the squad. When I was 12, I said I was going to be a photographer and go to school out of state, so I found the perfect school to attend after graduation. When I was 17, I didn't love high school so I said I would graduate early and work full time until college, so I did. When I was 18, I said I wouldn't use school loans to pay my way thru school, that instead, I would work to pay rent and expenses, so I did. When I was 20 and fell in love with Steven, I said I was ready to move back to Iowa and buy our first home, so we did. When I was 21, I wanted to open a photography studio and begin my career, so I did. All of these things have something in common... I've worked for each of them. Not one of those things was handed to me. I had to put in effort and determination to make each of those things happen as I wanted them to.
Now, when I was 24, I had a desire to become a gestational surrogate. I filled out application after application. I was denied by several agencies because I had my sons preterm & they weren't willing to read further to understand the reasons why. After months of applications, I was finally accepted into a wonderful agency, The Surrogacy Center in Madison, WI. I felt like I had finally made it. My "tenaciously unwilling to yield" spirit, had paid off once again.
And on February 14, 2012 I wrote a blog post (here) that said I was about to begin my journey and head to the agency to start the process. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I was SO excited that something I had been dreaming about, was finally becoming a reality. I had no idea what to expect would happen but I was ready to take it on. Or... so, I thought.
Almost a year later exactly, the journey collapsed. I was heartbroken. This was the first time in my life that my hard work hadn't paid off. That my determination hadn't brought me success. It was beyond my control and I was devastated. So many people wouldn't understand this because it can be hard to relate to. Being a surrogate has always been in my heart. Since even before my boys were born it interested me and I had a desire. I didn't understand it for a long time until my boys were 1 year old and I would sit for hours and watch them play. My miracle boys. The boys I was told wouldn't survive birth. The boys that a doctor looked me and my husband in the face and told me they would have 'problems' if they survived. That they might not have quality of life. I remember those moments like they were yesterday and they are nothing anyone can prepare you for. And, I would imagine that is what it would feel like (or worse) to be told you may never complete your family the way you planned. That you cannot carry a child of your own. That you won't welcome a baby into your family. So, for months I would just think about those thoughts. I would research surrogacy and I would finally get up enough courage to tell a few family and friends about my wish to be a surrogate. I was petrified because I knew it was a very unique idea and maybe I would get some push-back. But, it was so deeply in my heart and I couldn't ignore it.
So, in February of 2013, I made the decision to walk away from The Surrogacy Center and come to terms that maybe my dream of being a surrogate wouldn't come true, I can't explain it any better than just saying I was heartbroken. It was a hard thing to do and I never really gave up on the small bit of hope that it could happen, someday. But, since then, I've changed my families financial situation since I was able to join ItWorks and completely transform our lives, along with help others transform theirs. In the process, I found a new passion that I never knew existed. I am so thankful I was given this opportunity and I ran with it, just as I have with anything I ever wanted.
Today as I sit in my living room and reflect on everything, I happened to filter back thru some of my original blog posts on this site. It was very interesting to read and even more interesting to look at the dates. Three years ago to the day my journey was beginning. Wow. Hard to believe it has been that long. So much has happened and it has all played out exactly as it was meant to.
The couple, Chris and Kellie, that I am going to carry a child for, couldn't be any more amazing. They couldn't be a more perfect fit for Steven and I. They couldn't be more giving, loving, caring, genuine, and deserving of this. Three years wasn't what I had planned when I first started this but I wouldn't want to change any of it. We are just 2.5 weeks away from the official start of this huge, incredible process and I am just over-the-moon excited!!!
Today is a day to celebrate love, in any form. And, I am celebrating in a big way. Celebrating the beginning of something that has been in the making for 3 years today. Nothing has meant more to me than all the support I've gotten from all the readers on this blog. Seriously, thank you all. Love to you. Happy Valentine's Day, however you choose to celebrate.
No comments:
Post a Comment